The B-ver Damn

For what it’s worth, you’re still the highlight of my year.  ^_^  It was lovely meeting you…

Pretending not to like you is like avoiding the rain while standing directly under a rain cloud.  It’s stupid, it’s unavoidable and it’s making me sick.

I’m always looking for your face but when I do find it, my heart grows weary and seeks comfort in places far away from you.

But then you consistently find me.  It kills me how I love to greedily indulge in your presence but have to restrain myself, lest I ruin the remaining scrap of relationship that we have…  Friendship.  *sigh*

Oh God…  Please stop teasing me…  What you did tonight was just torture.  I’m not sure if I want you to stop, but please do, for the sake of my heart.  I have every reason in the universe to avoid you!!!

I want to hug you…  Say I’ll miss you…  Say I’ll get over you too.

did you believe me when i spread my own rumor that i’ve fallen for someone else?  some popular hotshot that every girl is chasing after?

you know that’s not my thing.

i just had to get rid of what’s causing me pain… you.  if you feel that i’ve grown cold towards you, or pretend you do not exist, or physically inflict pain, that was only to push you away.  because in the end, i will be the only one left hurting.  i will be missing you every second, still hopeful and longing.  you do know it’s unfair, don’t you?  so easy, those words and deeds, to slip out of you and pierce through my open heart.

i.  really.  like.  you.

now go away.

I know this won’t last, although you might disagree

knowing that we haven’t even started yet, I feel the nearing end.

it’s the hard escape from you that i have to deal with

after you stole a kiss

why did you have to do that, you spoiled brat?

i couldn’t run away fast enough from your welcoming smile

guess im teased by your friendly eyes

i’ll miss the times you play with my hands

to simply put it, im yours

but i don’t wish to break some poor girl’s heart

you almost loved me for everything i am

even things that made me an outcast

i owe you my awakening from a deep cold sleep

my freedom, my release from the dungeons of sorrow

im forever grateful to you, the man who revived my heart

can i please repay you with happiness too?

she’s a lucky butterfly and im so proud of you both

thank you for your existence, the memories, the love

you could have been the one.

by John Mayer

I just remembered, that time at the market
Snuck up behind me and jumped on my shopping cart
And rode down aisle 5
You looked behind you to smile back at me
Crashed into a rack full of magazines
They asked us if we could leave.

Can’t remember, what went wrong last September
Though I’m sure that you’d remind me, if you had to

Our love was comfortable and
So broken in

I sleep with this new girl i’m still getting used to
My friends all approve, say she’s gonna be good for you
They throw me high fives

She says the bible is all that she reads
Prefers that I not use profanity
Your mouth was, so dirty

Life of the party
And she swears that she’s artsy
But you could distinguish
Miles from Coltrane

Our love was, comfortable and
So broken in
She’s perfect, so flawless
Or so they say, say

She thinks I can’t see the smile that she’s fakin’
And poses for pictures that aren’t being taken
I loved you
Grey sweat pants, no makeup, so perfect

Our love was, comfortable and
So broken in
She’s perfect, so flawless
I’m not impressed, I want you back.

There really is no point in being honest with you.  Just one word from your dumbass master and you took it like gospel truth.  Must you be so judgmental and vindictive?  You did not even defend me from him.  Instead, you chose to believe him, joined in the fun, and ridiculed me.

And you had the nerve to ask how i could get so low?  i had no idea where that came from.  seriously, i have done nothing wrong.  i have done nothing at all that could possibly relate to what you were thinking.  it wasn’t as if i smuggled tons of products or killed anyone for money.  it wasn’t as if i slept with a prostitute and got the nickname Puff Daddy the same night.  it wasn’t as if i fucked with lodgers and made sex videos with them.  it wasn’t as if i evaded proper arguments by posting metaphors with the whole “padungog-dungog” effect.

No.

I was just going about my life, minding my own business, careful of my actions and statements since i didn’t want to end up like your stupid boss and his minions.  I try to deal with my problems and that includes interacting with the querulous, the garrulous and the congenitally unlovable.

Can’t you even spot his lies?

1.  Denying he was emotionally attached even after creating a video collage of my pictures that he took from my online album, with the background song Collide that he sang himself

2.  Denying he was emotionally attached even after calling me in YM and singing the song Your Call  (what’s up with the harana obsession anyway?)

3.  Saying he’s the victim and then later denying that he said he was the victim  (ok, now that’s really stupid)

etc…

Knowing that he has the mouth of a drag queen, the bitterness of soil, and the emotional capacity of a 2-year-old, can you undoubtedly conclude that he is the most credible person you’ve ever known in your life?

As for the other guy.

Your so-called boss told me he took your other friend’s girlfriend.  He said that this other guy is desperate.  This other guy, let’s call him Korie, looks up to your boss so much that he respects him to the point of being humbled.  So much so that when he wanted to burn a CD, he asked me to do it coz he was too shy to ask your boss.  He even wanted to buy the same things that your boss has, and knows the places where he could get them.  He is a poor little dog, loyal and selfless to his master but never respected and appreciated in return.  and so, desperado here, got a eureka moment.  Unfortunately though, as it turned out, he was ridiculed indirectly.

Now what is so wrong with him as a person?  The way you guys put it, it was as if he doesn’t deserve anyone.  If he does get someone, then she must probably be a dumbass.  What’s up with that?  Are you sure you guys are real friends?

I have no anger left in my soul for Korie.  The shock has long passed and not a single teardrop was shed.  My dissapointment rests along the fact that you chose the wrong person and let me down big time.  By now, your boss probably has ruined my name elsewhere.  Big surprise there.  As if I’m the first girl he ever spoke ill of.

Anyway.

Thank you for the happy times.  Take care.  Time to move on.

i know the credibility of pathological liars are made of bovine excrement, but somehow peer pressure, coupled with a broken heart, would narrow a person’s mind into believing his drunkass motormouth friends instead of the actual person who should matter more to him.  not that the said person is perfection personified, but at least a simple consideration of being innocent until proven guilty would have been the more mature decision.  but no.  we are dealing with male emotional wrecks here. 

emotional wrecks who, at the sign of supposed infidelity from someone they never had, would throw temper tantrums, spread vile rumors, and further defame the reputation of the one who successfully burned their hearts.  it’s not a difficult feat, i tell you.  they are the type who easily gets mesmerized by cuteness and that’s it.  unfortunately, tiny problems that would have been resolved by more civilized means, compound to greater skyscraper-heights due to uncontrolled self-righteousness and the need to win.  if only bitterness is self-limiting, then maybe he wouldn’t have paved the path to his friend’s breakdown.

alas, he has decided who his allies are.  and frankly, i don’t give a damn.  i leave no room for male drama queens in my life and i certainly wish his (or their) next prospect all the luck in the world.  no bitterness, no regrets.  thank you for the sliver of love.  cheerio!  ^_^

my ghost, you vanished before me ages ago

leaving a lovely purple bruise on my soul

i lean beside the giant antique mirror you once adored

caressing your reflection that never disappears

my love and hate ignited by your thought alone

your name lingers

slowly it turns me into ice

i simply stare and wonder

when will you ever let go?

i walked back, i breathed

i cursed softly the words that now invades the midnight air

those are my stars in this pitch-black memory

ages and eons, all come to one thing

you are my universe

but i still walked, and breathed

i sighed heavily as i picked up a lonely stone

larger than my fist, larger than my heart

stronger, to overwhelm my naivete

still that reflection watches, no matter how far

just like you, and it boils me to the core

the distance seemed to disappear

i stand in a trance with thoughts of sorrow and freedom

my hand felt lighter, the stone nowhere to be found

there you lie in a thousand shattered pieces

the frame still standing steadfast

not yet free, not yet free…

i cry to sleep beside the tiny reflection of your heart.

(from Melang)

Girls leave their schedule wide-open and wait for a guy to call and make plans.
Grown women make their own plans and nicely tell the guy to get in where he fits.

**********
Girls want to control the men in their lives.
Grown women know that if he’s truly hers, he doesn’t need controlling.

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Girls check you for not calling them.
Grown women are too busy to realize you hadn’t.

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Girls are afraid to be alone.
Grown women revel in it—using it as a time for personal growth.

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Girls ignore the good guys.
Grown women ignore the bad guys.

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Girls make you come home.
Grown women make you want to come home.

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Girls worry about not being pretty and/or good enough for their man.
Grown women know that they are pretty and/or good enough for any man.

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Girls try to monopolize all their man’s time ( I.e., don’t want him hanging with his friends).
Grown women realize that a lil’ bit of space makes the ‘together time’ even more special and goes to kick it with her own friends!

**********
Girls think a guy crying is weak.
Grown women offer their shoulder and a tissue.

**********
Girls want to be spoiled and ‘tell’ their man so.
Grown women ’show’ him and make him comfortable enough to reciprocate without fear of losing his ‘manhood’.

**********
Girls get hurt by one man and make all men pay for it.
Grown women know that that was just one man.

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Girls fall in love and chase aimlessly after the object of their affection, ignoring all ’signs’.
Grown women know that sometimes the one you love, don’t always love you back—and move on, without bitterness.

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Girls will read this and get an attitude.
Grown women will read this and know where they belong. =)

I completely understand when they say art is boundless and when ADAPTING books, comics, cartoons into movies, there is what we call dramatic license and artistic freedom.

BUT WHAT THE FUCKING HELL IS WRONG WITH THAT SHYAMALAN DICKWAD?!!!

Every person he casted on the movie is just wrong. How noble of him to make it look “international.” a bunch of white people as main characters (Katara and Sokka, who are supposed to be brown tribal natives, are now pristinely white) and Dev patel as PRINCE ZUKO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! seriously?! the slumdog kid?

please change the CAST!!!!!!!!!!! PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I BEG OF YOU SHYAMALAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I KNEW I SHOULD’VE KILLED YOU AFTER THE VILLAGE AND THE LADY IN THE WATER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

but i didn’t. nobody did.

sometimes i wish they could’ve gotten some english-speaking acrobatic kid from a chinese circus.
it’s gonna be showing soon, and i know it will be doomed. but what the heck.

ok… here are a few of my suggestions for characters:

Aang —> Brandon Soo Hoo

Prince Zuko —> Choi Seung Hyun, a.k.a. T.O.P.

who knew letting go could be so… delightfully sinful. hahaha!

a wonderful getaway with a bunch of crazy friends is all you need to start spreading your wings and letting go of your inhibitions… 

im back with a vengeance baby!!!

a nice long shower after swimming all day in the ocean

feeling terribly nonchalant and squinting my eyes due to fluorescent lighting, i walked beside my mother in a crowded mall, strutting past loud strangers whom i would give anything to just shove them aside and make way for my mother and i. everything about it grew annoying and was getting on my nerves.

this isn’t my kinda thing, being literally close to strangers.

so i motioned my mom to get inside Maze and persuaded her to look around for nice clothes here before braving the crowd once again.

and once we’re done, let’s just make a run for it!

or so i thought. my mom usually just raises her eyebrow and tells me to be nice to my own specie everytime i rant and rave about the monstrocities of humankind.

and so i kept quiet, smiled and coyly examined the blouses in front of me one at a time. hanger by hanger, i slowly and unknowingly moved all the way to the end of the rack and neared the glass window of the store. i stared blanky at a dress, i dunno why. i didn’t particularly like it, nor did i even buy it, it just had it’s effect on me. and then you came.

you are around 25 years old, am i right? i dunno, just a guess. you made me look at you twice, despite your average appearance. probably because you suddenly pop out of nowhere. you where standing outside and most likely you were joking around with your companion, but it was so sudden, like you were dodging someone and accidentally saw me looking all too surprised at you. did i look funny to you? coz i couldn’t read your face quite well at that time. blame it on milliseconds or just plain old late reaction on my part.

but i did catch enough beauty from you to still remember the way you look up to this day. you’re tall, and you looked lean in your black shirt. you must’ve forgotten to shave, too, but don’t worry, you look amazing and it fits you perfectly. i was admiring your hair the most, with its soft curls and light chocolate color… it was almost irresistible.

when you dodged your friend (or was it just some stranger?), you crouched to your right and stood up exactly right in front of me, catching my stare. it was so quick yet i was taking my time. i liked it very much. i was stunned but it was a lovely surprise and i greedily enjoyed every moment of it.

i see you in my dreams all the time, always the moment when you stood up and started walking straight again. your face got framed within the concrete wall of the store and the metal bar that supports the clothes rack, and the clear glass was just another element to complete my picture of you. im just glad i saw you and became a tiny part of my life. you gave me hope to be happy again and be open to possibilities of falling for someone entirely new.

so thank you, whoever you are. thank you for being at the right place, at the right time, and just when i needed you most.

after that brief encounter, my mom called me. she said she wants to move to another store. and with a smile, i turned around and left my unforgettable spot.

it was a nice afternoon for dodging strangers.

Everything seems calm. Unpleasantly peaceful, I might add. The horizon felt like an arrogant elitist displaying his grand collection of love, smiles and worldly riches. I’m bitter at its perfection though I know I can never be happy if I were in his shoes.

He is calm, I am plain lazy. He is stable, I am merely contented in my own dirt. He is perfect, I am perfectly rotten.

We see everything wonderful about the horizon… the colors of the sky, the vastness of sea, the growing city landscape and the mountains dwarfed by the cumulus. Would it make me a bad person if I try to find something ugly in such a literally pointless face of nature?

No, just crazy.

Im floating over a plateau. No more uphill struggles or even tiny bumps, I’m just on a steady speed above a safe and boring ground. There’s nothing else in front of me but the horizon, just peaceful and waiting. How annoying. I’m here vulnerable and lost, and there it is, conceited and egotistical, knowing that I would need him as my guide. Just waiting, just staring. Just sitting there doing nothing but his job. Leading me on, as he always does.

But I’m tired of flying towards you, my horizon. Time for me to land on the earth and start camping. I might need your help again soon, but for now let me just forget about you. Goodnight.

ewan… feeling ko masyado pang maaga para gawan ko to ng part 2. i still feel the painful aftermath, the intense longing na parang sinaksak ako ng kutsara (yes, kutsara) tapos binuhusan pa ng asido ang sugat ko. ayokong magmukhang tanga dahil lang sa isang Giacomo Cassanova. minsan nga nagpapasalamat ako sa king pride na walang kakupas-kupas at laging maaasahan sa twing maiinlove ako sa isang smooth-talker. they easily wear out their welcome kasi, kaya in a split-second mahuhuli mo rin silang may iniengganyong iba. at dahil sa ma-pride ka, you’d rather save face kaysa mag all-out drama queen pa-cry-cry effect ka in front of the asshole. di mo na nga inaaming nagseselos ka, iiyak pa kaya? at dahil rin sa pride, di ka magsesend ng i-love-you’s or i-really-like-you bullcrap na karaniwang binibigay lang to people who actually deserve it. at dahil rin sa pride, di nya talaga malalaman ang totoo mong nararamdaman… yung bawat luha mo, bawat hingalo, at bawat segundo na siya lang ang iniisip mo kahit late ka na sa trabaho at araw-araw ka ng pinapagalitan ng boss mo. nasasaktan ka dahil sa kanya, pero sa twing sumasakit ang damdamin mo, tinatawag mo na naman ang pangalan niya. iisa lang pala ang problema at solusyon, ang sakit at ang gamot… Siya. siya lang naman talaga e. nakakainis, kasi sobrang insignificant niya sa survival mo dito sa mundo, pero ang epekto niya sa yo parang natural calamity. di mo inakalang mangyayari, but if it happens there’s no turning back. lakas ng epekto. ewan.

will accept donations. new heart. new brain. please.

hayyy… the hard part is over. now i must step out from your world, and into the real world. kaya ko to!

patuloy pa rin naman ang agos ng buhay… tama lang na di kami nagkatuluyan at baka naging OA lang ako. they say you’d regret the things you didn’t do. i think i deserve to congratulate myself for thinking clearly instead of allowing some idiot to take advantage of me. screw that old saying, kahit di ko sinasabi sa kanya ang lahat, kahit di ko binigay ang lahat2x sa kanya, at kahit hinayaan kong sumama siya sa iba, mas pipiliin kong gawin lahat yon kaysa tatanda akong nagsisisi sa katangahan kong magpagamit sa kanya! i know he doesn’t love me at obvious na unrequited ang love story ko, pero ok na yun coz im happy at the mere fact na kaya ko palang magmahal (of all people, bakit siya pa? siguro gaya ng sinasabi nila… it just happened). mababaw lang naman talaga ang kaligayahan ko e, basta nakaramdam lang ako ng konting saya, wala na akong hihilingin pa.

pero heto ako’t nagsasalita na parang baliw sa pag-ibig. kahit yung ibang posts ko, wala na atang ibang topic kundi love. eeeeew kadiri! what the hell happened to me?! nakakaininis!

kelan ba matatapos ang DABDA na to?!

kakainis ka talaga!!!